11:40 p.m. - 2017-02-22
Finished the Peace Corps after a full 27 months. Best experience of my life, has changed me in so many good and not-as-good ways, challenged me and made me so much stronger. Fell in love with a guy named Delfim, native of Moz. On the peripheral e's had some cheating issues and has two kids in Moz. But at the full core I love him so much and I truly feel I am my best self with him, he helps me be my best self and I love being around him. He visited me in the states upon my formal return home and loved it. We now want him to move here but are trying to figure out how... I am starting to have reservations as to whether it should or could even really happen. And I'm also trying to figure out where the fuck I go from here in work and life and everything.
Ok, we're basically caught up. Oh, and I'll note that fucking Donald fucking Trump is our so-called-President. Fuck.
People say to enjoy being young and it's the best part of your life and blah blah blah. It has some nice things but my God it is hard. I hate indecision and not knowing things and right now my life IS indecision and knowing nothing. It is so uncomfortable and saddening and the worst thing is is that is has no end date. No Dec 1 2016 when I leave Peace Corps, no May 5 2014 when I graduated college, just... vast murkiness with many trails all secluded, windy, and dispersed.
As I said above, I really love Delfim. I would love for him to be American and for us to continue to date and have more time together and to live together. But he is not American and is not in America. People love to say "Oh if it's meant to be it will be" but that is complete shit. Even if this is meant to be it's going to take an enormous effort on both of our parts to get it to the point of maybe working -- and even if we do desforcar assim, there's no guarantee that it would even really work because a ton of steps of us being together would be completely out of our hands.
I am so incredibly envious of my friends here in the states who live with or near their loves and get to follow these normal paths of having relationships and jobs or grad school and then getting serious and whatever. I am happy for them, really I am, but I am also just so sad for me and Delfim not being able to have any of that. It physically hurts.
So part of me, the rational part, thinks that it's probably time to call it and cut it off and cut my losses. It would undeniably be the easier and simpler course for both of our lives not to force this to work.
But the other part of me that feels and loves is so saddened by that thought. By the thought of breaking both of our hearts and then trying one day again to find something like this... I don't think I'd ever want to feel this way again. I want Delfim to be who I come home to and hang out with and grow with.
I've applied to 20+ jobs in the Denver area (lab tech or quality assurance, $30,000/yr max) and nothing replied to me at all. So I tucked my tail between my legs and applied to Epic. I had some skills exams and a preliminary phone interview this weekend, I'm pretty sure both went fairly well. If I got the job I could make $65,000/yr. Much better. I still kinda think I eventually wanna go back to grad school (Chem Engineering or Materials Science).
If Delfim comes over it's feasible that he won't be able to work for the first while or that he'll be in school so he won't be working at all. Having more money for some wiggle room would be so beneficial. But I do not want to live in Madison again. At all. I'm so ready for something new and fun and Colorado-y. But I just don't think a job out there is in the cards, everyone my age is trying to move out there so the jobs are scarce and the rent is so so high (even higher than Madison).
I just don't know what I want. I'm trying to follow "How to not give a Fuck" and decide what it is that I'm willing to suffer for.
I think part of my depression right now is that for the first time in my life I'm realizing that I maybe can't do something. I.e. move to Denver or keep things going with Delfim. I've honestly never really failed to do something I wanted (except maybe Quantum but fuck that I never wanted to do it, just had to). Maybe I'm more of a pansy Millennial than I thought.
5:47 p.m. - 2014-10-30
I was super sick on Sunday and Monday. Had tons of stuff due this week. My mae fired Christina. I fucked(ish) Morgan this past weekend and things are weird. If I could click my heels and be home I would have multiple times this week. I have a fairly important verbal exam tomorrow. I've learned practically no Portuguese. I feel like I can't do this and a sizeable part of me doesn't care. I kinda wanna cry but at the same time I don't care enough to. I don't know what to do.
Think I'll just immerse myself in studying. Try to block everything else out. Hope that works.
12:50 p.m. - 2014-10-26
This month has flown by. Day-to-day the feeling varies between having been here for years vs. feeling so inadequate/helpless that I'm certain I was born yesterday.
So there's a ton to say about my life here, obviously, but in keeping with this here DiaryLand diary I am here to talk about boys.
It's really amazing how quickly and completely I'm over Steve. It's almost kinda sad. I told him I loved him for the first time just over a month ago and I felt it so strongly (I think?) but it is gone. Gone 100%.
To no surprise, he has been/was nearly impossible to keep in touch with. I talked to him (/at him) a lot the first few weeks and wrote him really good letters (never sent... gonna keep them as part of my journal) but I'm now done being the one to put forth effort. Whatever.
So there's a guy here. His name is Morgan. He's 27, from North Carolina (very cute slight southern accent), professional harmonica player, attractive in a rugged way, and super funny/easy to talk to. I slept with him last night!
Woooo #5 yayyyy!
And I didn't even think about Steve or my emotions for him one single time. Zero guilt, zero remorse. I seriously do not care.
Feels kinda good. I feel like I'm back to doing what I actually wanna do. Things with Steve prior to leaving were just so emotional and forced and pushed and as good as it felt to 'finally' (why finally? I'm 22 for christ's sake) have a person like that (but did I?), I feel so much better now being emotionally detached again. Plus I had/have a super crush on Morgan in a way I never did for Steve, not even at the beginning, so it's fun to feel like this again.
So yeah last night was fun. A whole month/month.5 without sex was no fun. He agreed. He has a really nice, large penis. I was looking forward to having sex with him and I grabbed a condom and put it on and then he deflated. He informed me that he doesn't do condoms, it's "his bad" but he just doesn't. To which I replied "Well...uh...I don't not do condoms." ((especially in fucking Africa)) To which he replied "That's extremely responsible" and I agreed saying "Yeah that's my name, Sierra extremely responsible Fox." (because it basically is/should be)
So we laid there naked and cuddled then made out then fondled then, oh, what's that? Had sex without a condom? Yes. Yes indeedy we did.
Ugh. :-/ Not sure what to do about this. Next time we are together I hope to have a semi-candid convo with him about it. I have the feeling that he's just never gotten used to wearing one or maybe one time he was and there was a malfunction so now he has a thing against them. I don't know. But I don't think I'm gonna let no condom sex fly.
I don't not trust him but I don't positively trust him either. When it comes to HIV/AIDS I prefer to make decisions based on earned trust not on neutral trust i.e. trust has not been lost.
The fact is I've only known this guy for 1 month. He seems trustworthy and concerned for others enough to want to protect my health and his own, but ya never know!
It'll have to be a conversation, I guess. Hopefully it goes well.
12:49 a.m. - 2014-09-21
Lots of "see-you-laters" have been shared.. I'll start with Steven.
So last weekend we went to a Packers game with Lindsay and Evan. Leading up to the Sunday game, I stayed with Steve on Friday and Saturday night. Friday was fun because he bought me flowers and we had a lot of (awesome) sex. Then on Saturday while we were cuddling and stuff in the hot tub I asked Steve how he was feeling about me leaving. He kinda beat around the bush at first but then asked me what I was thinking in regards to the relationship. I told him that I was pretty conflicted, that it wasn't clear to me anymore what we should do (because it wasn't/isn't). And he said "Well, just so you know, regardless of if we stay together or not I'm going to wait for you. I can't really picture myself not waiting for you." :-) And this whole summer has just been amazing and fun and relaxing and wonderful so I said "I was hoping you would say that" even though before that very moment I hadn't really considered the possibility. I don't want him to hold back but yet I can't imagine completely letting him go, not after how perfect things have been. So Saturday was a great night. Then we all went to the game on Sunday; it was a great game with great weather and great company. In the car ride home on Sunday night I was crying a lot because I couldn't stop thinking about how it would be my last night with Steve, everyone kept texting to plan their goodbyes for me, and I realized it was my second-to-last weekend in the States. When we got to Steve's house and cuddled I kept crying and he held me and got a little sad but then pulled us both up, reminding us that it was a happy thing that I'm preparing to do and that I'll only be gone for awhile, I'll be back before we know it. We decided officially our relationship is "on hold" aka a break (verified that if either of us sleeps with someone else it isn't cheating. We both agreed that the likelihood of that happening is next to zero, for both of us, and that we would tell the other in due time if we start seriously seeing anyone). We talked for awhile longer and started kissing, then...
He got his nervous Steve voice on. This adorable, slightly high-pitched, fast-paced, trying-too-hard-to-be-suave voice that I love because it lets me know when shit's gettin' real. And he said "You know, Sierra, I think..I think..I think.." - "You think what?" - "I think.. I think I love you"
And I smiled and exhaled and said "Aw Steve, I -know- I love you."
He then proceeded to say that he hasn't said that to anyone in a long time and he's never felt it for anyone else the way he feels it for me. I told him I can see us being together for a long, long time, and he agreed. We semi- agreed on at least attempting (well, me attempting) to meet wherever he is in MedSchool (fingers crossed) when I get back. Which I would be okay with - I get back in November 2016 so I'll have awhile to take whatever test I need for grad school (likely MCAT. Possibly GRE n shit. Who knows.) Maybe work in a pharmacy or bar tend or whatever while I'm doing that. Then we talked about what age each of us picture getting married (not explicitly to each other but c'mon look at the context) and both said ~30 and kids ~33. He asked for clarification because I've told him before I don't really want kids and I said even though I say and feel that, I conflictingly can't really picture a life without them. He laughed and said "Okay, well don't worry, I'd only make you have two." ! :-O Haha woah, but it was cute.
So, yeah. That was an emotional roller coaster! This whole thing has been. One moment I'm beaming with excitement and pride in myself, the next I'm numb and calling myself crazy, the next I'm sad-crying then scared-crying then happy-crying then it all starts again. It has been exhausting.
I just said bye to Levi tonight. Definitely the hardest friend to say goodbye to. He's just been such a constant presence in my life for -so- long (to be exact: 17 YEARS long) and it's hard to imagine 2 years of life without him near me. But, technology is awesome and he's pretty into computering so I think we'll be fine.
Truly saying goodbye to basically everyone has been so much easier knowing that Skyping and messaging (please God give me a site with good phone service and Internet and at least intermittent electricity).
I'm really scared and sad to say goodbye to Panda. He's 14 so there's a rather small likelihood that he'll be around when I get back. But it's kind of okay. He knows and I know how much I love him and he's in really good hands with my parents. I'm more worried for them than me about his passing. It's gonna just defeat them. But they'll be okay. No one can live forever, not even the very best dog to ever walk this planet. I'll love you forever, Panda Lucky.
11:25 p.m. - 2014-09-01
23 Days til I leave for Philadelphia.
13 Days til Steve and I break up.
If I'm not careful and I let my mind start wandering like now I get caught all teary-eyed. I cried when I was with him (!) the last night I was there after our cabin then Wash, D.C. extravaganza. (Which was a total and complete blast!) (Got to hang out with Paige a lot!) (And stay in a fancy hotel with Steve!)
This is really, truly, painfully... sad. And I'm so scared to leave. I have so much left to do.
It's finally dawned on me that this is all actually happening and It's really scaring me.
9:43 p.m. - 2014-08-13
9:32 p.m. - 2014-08-13
I should be practicing Portuguese right now but I don't want to.
I'm all moved home to Black River! Which means, for all intensive purposes, summer is over. Kinda.
So I graduated! And worked weekends, chilled, traveled (Midwest destinations only), spent time with Steve and friends and family. Wonderful summer! Capped off with two super-fun weddings, the second of which Steve came to! The Fox family -loved- Steve. Absolutely loved him. Which was both awesome and super sad. I'm just glad that a person who I like/love/whatever and chose is someone they like too. It's a good sign. Funny thing is Steve, truth be told, isn't(wasn't?) really my true type. Oh well.
We're still not planning to keep things going once I leave. But I guess right up until when I leave? His birthday is the 21st of September and I leave roughly the 23rd. He's asked/requested me to spend his birthday with him a few times but I don't know. Lord knows I don't want us to break up on his birthday! Sheesh.
So I think I don't actually love him. It's been this whole thing for so long and maybe I'm just burnt out on it but I actually don't think I do. Because he doesn't really like me for me, or like me for the real me? Not sure but I know that there's a lot of things I hide/tone down about myself around him because I know or expect he doesn't like it. Which obviously isn't a great sign. Something to keep in mind for the future.
Mike is still on my mind a lot. Well, actually, it comes and goes. Sometimes I'll go 4, 5 days (usually days in which I'm with Steve the whole time) and Mike will not cross my mind once. Other days, especially over the last couple of weeks, I think about him all the time. Jenna had an interesting insight and said that when people like me are planning to make major life changes/moves, they often feel the need to "batten down the hatches" and tie on tight to anchors in preparation for leaving. I've been feeling this drive to lots of people and maybe, for whatever reason, I'm just feeling it towards Mike, too. Not sure.
I need to practice lots more Portuguese and figure out what fucking timezone Moz is in and figure out what clothes to pack and find a mosquito net tent thingy and figure out what kitchen shit to bring and write up a thing for the BJournal and lots of other stuff. So imma go. Peace (corps) out.
12:07 a.m. - 2014-07-01
Things turned around big time with Steve (as you can probably gather from the last post). Thought about telling him I love him, because I do (!!), but then got scared out of it because we planned our break-up.
Labor day weekend. AKA two months from today basically. Saying it could help make these last two months amazing but I think it will definitely make the end worse.
Today he asked me if I would spend his birthday with him (Sept 22). :-( I leave the 23rd.
Timing just sucks. No other way for me to put it.
In other news, I met up with Mike a few times last weekend! First we chatted at a bar (kinda awkward, he would barely even look at me..) where he told me he forgot the souvenir he got for me in HK (!). So we had icecream at the Terrace and walked around campus (his last walk through). He got me this adorable panda Hong Kong mug. Today is Mike's birthday. Hm.
He had a girlfriendish thing in Russia. He asked me to be careful and to keep in touch. I honestly had never bought into people telling me they thought he love(d)(s) me, but the look in his eyes after we hugged for the last time for awhile/ever..... It was there. I think. But I don't really know.
I loved him too.
I love Steve now.
Timing just sucks.
3:12 a.m. - 2014-06-27
I just gave Steve head in the back seat of a moving (and bouncing) school bus.
Sometimes I get concerned that my life seems to be a patchwork of weird experiences/fuck-ups.
Other times, I just smile about it.
Tonight... I'm smiling.
11:43 p.m. - 2014-05-08
Steve's never been good at texting or at texting back at a reasonable rate, etc. But he has been ESPECIALLY bad for the last...2 weeks? He literally did not text me once on Sunday. He was at home, his phone was dead, but Lindsay said he just didn't want to get up to get it. Then Monday he texted me "Hi Fox." around noon.
Fuck this. I'm out.
1:22 a.m. - 2014-05-08
"Guys don't want to talk to you, Sierra"
Him: "Sex is the best part of this thing."
"They just want to have fun with you. Relax."
They're all the same and none have them have even ever really liked me. Let alone anything more.
10:31 p.m. - 2014-05-03
Weird how with a history like that a statement like "Man, the best part about this thing is the sex" from your boyfriend can immediately fly you back into the position of fuck buddy. Piece of ass. Sex object.
Do either of them truly see me as anything more? Have any of them ever?
4:02 p.m. - 2014-04-30
Last night Steve came over. My phone had just lost all its data, he didn't care. Didn't say anything.
We listened to this extremely poignant and well-spoken African American man talk about the banning of the racist owner of the Clippers for life from the NBA, and how this was a moment (one tiny moment) for whites to jump on board and look like anti-racist heroes when really, this situation is but a drop in the massive ocean of racism that still has hold over the U.S. today. He talked in particular about the South side of Chicago and the interstates that rush over it such that whites in the South -suburbs- need not make any stops through the South side. And how now families on the South side are trying to enter the South suburbs for better schools and housing but are being redlined.
After the video was over, I said like 2 sentences to Steve about a plan that I thought might help to clear out gangs from the South side. I've thought a lot about how to fix the problem of generational urban decay. Then I said "I'm not really sure it would work.. What do you think?"
And he said "I don't know... But until then," took off his glasses, and started making out with/groping/etc. me.
"Guys don't want to hear about your problems, Sierra. They just want to tell you about their day, relax, and have a good time with you." -MK
"You don't need to, like, throw the fact that you're smart in guy's faces, Sierra. Like that periodic table poster. You should just have posters of your favorite TV shows or nature scenes or whatever." -MK
“I now knew that all of us were prostitutes who sold themselves at varying prices, and that an expensive prostitute was better than a cheap one.” -Woman at Point Zero
What price am I willing to sell myself at? How much of myself am I willing to hide from potential suitors so as not to delay them from their ultimate and only goal of fucking me? How much talking can I get away with before I need to shut up and put out? Keep quiet till they ask me "Do naughty things... what kind of naughty things should we do, Foxy?" -SH (last night.)
Steve said the words "I love" then caught himself last night. This is the second time he did it... The other time was when we were walking together so not both have been sex related.
He does not love me. He does not. And he better not tell me so because that's not love. He loves the fact that I'm his girlfriend and that he gets to win the award for having the hottest girlfriend amongst his roomies and he says "I love your legs" "I love your eyes" "I love your quirks" "I love getting your clothes off... I prefer you with your clothes off."
But that isn't love.
We've been together 6 months now. I don't know what all this means. But I can't help but realize these parallels. I just laid there last night while he had sex with me and held back tears and just played back things that guys have said to me for so long and just... No one is different. (Disclaimer: my Father is the best man that I know and he is the reason why I know all these guys are wrong. It's not me I'm looking to 'fix.' I'm just fine. What I don't understand is why the men I'm involved with always just want me to be quiet.)
“But I feel that you, in particular, are a person who cannot live without love." "Yet I am living without love." "Then you are either living a lie or not living at all.” -Woman at Point Zero
3:53 p.m. - 2014-04-27
1) Laying in bed whenever(ish) I want to
I think Steve thinks he's in love with me. He is mistaken.
7:37 p.m. - 2014-04-07
Are you thinking of continuing this relationship thing long distance?
He sucks at virtual conversation. He never, ever replies in a timely manner. Rather than being polite and preemptively cancelling plans with you, he waits and does it passively. He never accomplishes almost anything he says he's going to, no matter how large or small the goal. This situation is not suited for the commitment to communication required to keep it going.
He needs to be with someone else. Someone more carefree, spontaneous, and someone who likes dancing and singing in the car. That's not you, and that's okay.
You need to be with someone else. Someone more motivated, focused, and someone who understands your introverted qualities and doesn't fight them. That's not Steve, and that's okay.
You're in your early 20s. Be a free bird. It's gonna be hard, but it will also be so much fun.
End it before you leave. It's better for the both of you in the long run.
10:19 a.m. - 2014-04-02
The talk went really well (even though it happened at about 2am, post-sex). He said that he thought we had a lot of potential and wanted to stay together during my service, but "either way" hoped that we could re-evaluate after PC. His overall tone was that he wanted to end up together, whether or not it was during the entirety of my service.
I told him about how it's not the two years I'm concerned with, but instead the return and the unspoken but implied pressure for me to move near wherever he's started med school. He interjected and said "No matter what, Sierra, never change your life plans for me. I wouldn't want you to do that." And I said "No, I know, I never would" which was a little harsh but whatever, I wouldn't. He didn't really counter that too much... After some more discussion that I can't quite recall he ended by saying "Well good, I'm glad we're on the same page then."
Which isn't quite right... We're in the same book, but definitely not the same page. So. All in all, good first talk. I think it'll take many layering discussions to truly piece out exactly what we both want to have happen.
I want to have it solidified, both with myself and him, by early September. His birthday is two days before I leave and I don't wanna break up right then, of course.
Time will tell! But at least the giant elephant in the room 1) was actually not giant at all and 2) has finally been addressed!
8:25 p.m. - 2014-04-01
I'm a woman in the US graduating imminently from one of the best universities in the country with two science degrees that I obtained in four years. I have no debt because of my parent's hard work and extreme generosity. I have beautiful curly red/blonde hair and long legs and I love my body. I am strong, both physically and mentally, because I have trained and grown up with wonderful guidance.
I've gotten into the Peace Corps. A long-time dream of mine. After all these months of waiting, I've gotten into the exact program I wanted, the program that for some unknown reason called out to me, and I'm going! I'm moving to Africa. I'm going to teach science and make a difference -- not change the world, but be a catalyst for change everywhere I go and an example of a strong woman for all people I meet.
Right now, I live in a beautiful city in a country where I'm completely free. I have the BEST friends, both here at college and people from my childhood supporting me from dispersed locations. My family is supportive in -every- way possible. Absolutely each and every way. I have a boyfriend that digs me, respects me, and is so good and supportive and cute and cuddly and good-in-bed-y and perfect.
Life is awesome right now.
10:01 p.m. - 2014-03-30
Mozambique. September 23rd. It's happening!!!!
I've been accepted to volunteer as a science teacher for the Peace Corps! Something I've always had in the back of my mind as a goal for 'someday' is actually gonna happen!
Holy cow. Ecstatic. Also this means I have the next two years of my live figured out! Great all around.
5:52 p.m. - 2014-03-06
What the fuck was the point of starting this relationship. So stupid.
Nothing good is going to come from it.
I thought maybe experience with a relationship, being a girlfriend, yadda-yadda would be good. But c'mon it's not like it's hard. It should be like nothing, you shouldn't be trying to hard or forcing things in relationships. What should there be to practice? So unnecessary to practice being oneself.
And now I look heartless. Maybe I am. I don't know.
So do I let it continue to its inevitable doom or do I cut it out now?
10:44 p.m. - 2014-02-26
Fuck you and your facial structure that is so generic, handsome, and prevalent.
Fuck the way you keep in very infrequent but persistent contact. "Go badgers"
Fuck the way that everyone seems to wear khaki pants and your black Swiss army backpack.
Fuck the way that I can't walk past the business school or your old house or Pres House without thinking about you.
Fuck the way that you're 8000 miles away,
8:39 p.m. - 2014-02-23
I'm gonna end up hurting Steve :'(
So I got an email from the PCorps that I can be considered for an earlier assignment to Tanzania if I want! ... Leaving July 7th. I was discussing this with Steve and excitedly researching Tanz. When I told him it was largely more remote than Moz, he said, "Well how are we going to communicate...?"
..... :( ..... :'(
And I brushed it off and said "My Mom will not be happy." But I was thinking to myself... We aren't. Because we aren't going to be together.
I don't know why he's assuming that we will be. I hope I'm not totally in the wrong having gone into this basically knowing that it wasn't for the long haul.
I really like Steve, but there's a few pretty crucial things that day-to-day aren't a big deal but lifestyle wise make him someone I wouldn't wanna be with 'forever.'
1) Never washes his freaking hands
Whiiiiich sounds like / is a break-up speech! Right?!
So. Don't quite know what I would -actually- say. It'd be deceiving to say "I don't know yet, let's talk about it later." Even though it would imply at least a slight chance things weren't going to work out. Which I kinda think he needs to hear because... I think he's in love with me.
I didn't think so at all til a friend posted this cute pic of us in which Steve was looking longingly at me..as a joke..I thought.. til all my friends and coworkers pointed out the look in his eyes. And then when I was with him I started to allow him to hold my gaze more and.... I think he does.
And I want to just throw caution to the wind and cast away the walls and all the cliche shit about allowing myself to fall in love with him.
But I'm just not going to.
6 months (tops, with this new sort-of-offer thing being only 4(!!!)) til I'm gone. And we're not together anymore.
Makes it easy for me to reel the feelings in. Maybe it's only fair that I tip him off, try to give him a fighting chance at reeling his in, too.
Timing is the worst. Also, I'm the worst. I. feel. so. guilty. And I'm truly at a loss of what to do.
10:11 p.m. - 2014-02-17
I had the best date of my life the other night with Steven, day after Valentine's day. We're getting so comfortable with each other and having a lot of fun. I'm starting to fall for him. Hesitantly and while kicking and screaming...in certain ways... but it's happening. I want to badly to just let it happen, but it's nearly impossible for me to 'just let' anything.
Mike still keeps in very infrequent but persistent contact. The fucker is doing the whole "Go Badgers" thing over again. Fuck him.
Steven and I had sex 4 times the night of the great date.
Still no news on the Peace Corps front. Went to a fun fancy announcement thing the other day for it though! Met some recruiters n stuff. They told me not to start holding my breath about Invitation news til at least March. So I'm trying to give my waiting self a break. Much easier said than done.
Not feeling very med schooly anymore. I just look at the type of people that get in to Med Schools and know that I desperately do not want those to be my comrades in my profession. In less flowery language: they fucking suck. Almost all of them. NO THANKS.
But, "Well then, Ms. Pretentious, what the fuck DO you wanna do?"
And my reply is:
My plan is to just clear my mind while at PC (god willing I get in!!). All this thinking and churning thoughts, over and over and over in my head, is getting me nowhere. When my brain starts to push my feet to journey in the correct path I'll know it. This summer shall be the summer of shadow shadow shadowing. Should be a fun time!
So yeah. Lots of ?????????s. But this unknowingness and unpredictability is fun. This is supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be fun.
8:50 p.m. - 2014-02-06
I read a FANTASTIC article the other day that basically encapsulated my college experience. To the T.
"Why is College Dating So Screwed Up?"
Among many other things, it describes the popular game that college men and women play with each other. The "who can care less" game/challenge.
Exactly what Mike and I were doing.
Sad to say, I think we both lost.
11:11 p.m. - 2014-02-03
I'm an extremely literal person. I say exactly what I mean exactly when I mean it. This goes for everything from "I like you" to "That sounds fun" to "Yes, I'm free later. Let's watch a movie." etc. So when Steve makes these claims early in the day, ("Study tonight!?" "Meet me at the library around 8?" etc.) I take it to mean he actually plans to follow through with them. Tonight, yet again, he has passively canceled, i.e. I've texted him saying "Hey I have a spot!" way later than he had planned to meet up and then after awhile says "Oh this is taking longer than expected I don't think I'll make it. Evan and I are working on English." And just now Evan snapchatted me a picture of a bunch of beers and a bag of skittles saying "You can't beat this!". So obviously they're drinking and eating skittles and Steve was happy at home.
1) That's fine! If he woulda just said that rather than the 'taking a long time' excuse (uh, no shit, why do you think it's taking a long time?) I wouldn't care.
2) He shouldn't have suggested the plans in the first place. I'm not needy and not only do I not mind him hanging out with his friends -- I'm super glad he does! I couldn't stand a guy who was with me all the time and lost his friends because of it.
Since I'm such a literal person, I expect others to be as well. I take their statements to be true and literal. When Steven does this it not only annoys me on the case-by-case basis, but it also discredits other things he says to me. Things like "I like you", "I'm so glad we're together", "Ow owww" (when I take my pants off). That last one is a bit of a joke, but it's grounded in the fact that I'm already a little insecure in the thought that someone actually likes me. Him downgrading the validity of his statements isn't helping.
Am I over-analyzing this? Yes. But am I at least a little bit onto something? Yes.
12:19 p.m. - 2014-01-28
I have a bit of a confession, albeit wine confession.
lo siento. it's like 9am there and you're probably like wtf"
He had over two years to say this. Countless opportunities. It was all I wanted for so long, whether I admitted it or not, but no. He had to wait until now. Til I'm starting to move on and forget him. Til we are likely not even going to see each other again for more than 2 years.
Coward. Cruel. Selfish.
12:52 a.m. - 2014-01-20
But here's the thing.
Steven IS different.
He's been different for almost 4 months now. He is incredibly complimentary of me and positive. He worships the ground I walk on in many ways. I am starting to warm up to him and I'm going to let it happen. Timing be damned. This will be a healthy exercise for me. Something new.
It's not fair to hold past boy incidences against Steven. He has done absolutely nothing to earn my level of apprehension and fear. It is not him I'm afraid of; it's my past.
But now his presence is my present. Forward.
7:31 p.m. - 2014-01-19
I haven't felt the well-known ecstatic excitement of having a crush, as I did on every guy leading up to and including Mike, since I became involved with him. I haven't had the butterflies and anticipation and nervousness and joy. I'm so much more scared, apprehensive, and self-conscious now. I had never put myself out there as much as I did with Mike and it didn't pay off; worse.. it blew up in my face. He broke my heart. And I just hate to admit this, absolutely hate it, but I think it kind of broke me.
Some ridiculous part of me thinks someday I'm going to end up with Mike. I know that sentence makes NO FUCKING SENSE given the entire preceding paragraph, but in this weird way I can so totally see myself ending up in Chicago after Peace Corps (verdict's still out on PCorps, btw) and running into Mike and hitting things back off. Which is stupid. There's so many people in Chicago, let alone the fucking world, so I have no idea why I would hedge these sorts of bets. I think it's to calm myself now so that I don't feel as though I'm never going to see him again (what with his studying abroad this semester and me leaving for PC possibly before he gets back). But in all likelihood I will never see him again so I should just drop it.
I think I need to start a new chapter. Carry over some choice characters, namely all of my friends and Steven, and leave Mike and Adam and TN boy and Cameron and all the other stupid fucks in the dust. They didn't want me back when they had the shot and they are not allowed to screw around with my present.
Steven is a good guy and I don't think he's out to hurt me. I think he actually likes me. And I'm pretty sure if I allowed myself to, I could really like him back. And I think I should. I have to fix my mindset when it comes to guys. I have to be brave enough to try again and again. I have to know that things that have happened in the past that I've chalked up to being my fault haven't always been my fault at all. Mike may have broken me but he's not gonna fix me 3 years from now in Chicago. I'm going to fix me now.
5:16 p.m. - 2013-12-17
Except with him, I was kind of in control of things. I didn't like him (usually) so I wasn't gonna get hurt. He was fun to be around and there was no pressure/confusion/expectations. It was easy. Empty(ish) and easy.
And so I do miss him.
He's with a new girl now named Avery, till he leaves for china maybe? Idk. But I found out via snapchat and then have Facebook monitored the situation. So stupid. I don't know why I do these things.
Likely because there's some leftover feelings hanging about.
12:00 a.m. - 2013-12-15
I regret that all I say about Steve is negative things. It's not been all bad. Not at all.
But right now, maybe it's overtired and stressed and disappointed and overwhelmed finals-itis but...
I'm big time regretting this.
He is way too confident in me 'not going anywhere'. I'm fiercely loyal, loyalty being one of my favorite and most important qualities about myself, but I'm also kind of a hot commodity or whatever. He doesn't seem to be very grateful for me being with him and the hundreds of other opportunities I've turned/turn down. He seems too comfortable already. He should still be in his "Holy shit is this real-life?" phase.
I know this sounds conceited. Well buckle your seatbelt cause I'm diving deeper into it. As Lindsay said "In every relationship there's a reacher and a settler. And clearly, in your relationship, Steve is the reacher." And I have to agree with her. He's cute but I mean.
Why am I doing this? The sex is great, the dates are fun, but... It's a glorified friends with benefits. Which is kind of fine. Except for he gets this claim to me. And I don't get to be single. And he's all like "There's no competition. She is mine." And I really, really don't like that.
I like doing my own thing. He is not clingy, not at all, but still. I am not really digging this ownership of each other thing. It's weird and I'm 21 and why am I doing this? I don't even have giddy 'I like him so much' feelings. At all. Not remotely what I thought having a boyfriend was gonna feel like. We are one month and one week in and I already feel like we're past the plateau.
Maybe it's because we're busy and stuff. I don't know though. I just. He never really chased me, he didn't win me over, and he has no right to think that he's got me for 'good' (good meaning for the next few months let alone any longer than that.)
I'm gonna stick this out at least til the beginning of next semester because I'll have nothing going on over Christmas break anyways, but... as of right now, all bets are off after that.
7:39 p.m. - 2013-12-09
I just want to leave. Now. Now now now. For anywhere. I'd go anywhere.
I got my hopes up way too fast on the PCorps front. I've been nominated.. now time to fill out legal paperwork, other papers, and go through 'competitive selection' for the individual program and deal with some Placement Specialist to find the program best suited for me. I.e. we're a long ways off from knowing if/where I'm going. I need something to look forward to.
Things with Steven are making me feel so fucking guilty and shitty. He's so nice and great but I'm afraid it's just not there.
I am the worst. Parts of me are so bad. This is one of them. Ughhhh. I am the worst.
11:03 p.m. - 2013-12-08
I'm accepted to the Peace Corps! Time for nomination to a specific program! I've thrown my hat into the Mozambique ring. Looks like a beautiful country, relatively safe and stuff. Holy cats! This might really be happening!
In many ways, I'd leave tomorrow if I could. I'm looking forward to this summer though, FINALLY NOT TAKING A SINGLE MOTHERFUCKING CLASS. Gonna be beautiful.
Things with Steven are going well. I'm still a little jealous on the Lindsay front. I've gotten to the bottom of it: I really really like spending time with her, and I really really like spending time with him, and I love spending time with the both of them, so obviously I am jealous when the two of them hang out. Just like I would be if they were both friends. So it's not a relationship-based thing.
My world keeps revealing itself as being smaller than expected. Steven went out Friday night. "Hey I'm at a hosue at Mifflin to pregame -- Feel free to join!"
Guess who's motherfuckin' house he was at?!
Mike's (and Adam's).
Luckily Mike is out of town somewhere. But Adam was there.
Steven's (and mutually Mike's) friends/roommates were asking about me and Adam picked up on it and started grilling Steve. He didn't tell him much apparently.
Hahahaha. Oi. My life.
Steve was SO cool about it. And I believe him totally. Don't think he's putting on an act whatsoever. He asked if I still talk to Mike and said he didn't care if I did or not, blah blah blah.
Not trying to be mean/diss him here at ALL but he's surprisingly confident about me. Probably more based on my loyal and trustworthy character than anything else, but still. He seems comfortably certain in other guys not being threats. Also non-intimidated by me. Which is awesome!
We're gonna do the Colorado/Yellowstone trip I did last summer this summer. Which will be nice.
God though....Can't shake the stop sign I've given this thing. The expiration date. I enjoy my time with him but there are such clear, distinct boundaries I've constructed. But I think that's smart. No need to be broken hearted at the start of Peace Corps! I just don't know where he is on the subject but if he's smart, which he is, he's thinking the same things.
I've come too far and become to strong in my convictions to let this hurt me. Just gonna ride with it and enjoy the wave. Nothing serious.
I feel pretty confident in not going head-over-heels. Not because of Steve, but because of my brain/gut. The two forces together should be more than enough to guide my emotions. No problemo.
7:46 p.m. - 2013-11-20
I kinda wanna go back 3 weeks and undo this entire thing.
I don't need this shit. Seriously, I don't. Everyone I ask for advice is like "Oh well you have to learn how to work through these things. No one is perfect."
And I agree, no one is perfect including (sometimes even most of all) myself. But do I have to work through these things? No.
Plan as of one month ago: graduate. Peace Corps. Be involved with whoever the fuck I want whenever I want. Come back, live in Chicago. Live it up. Single. Free. Whatever. Settle down? Maybe someday. But not now.
Why did I get myself into this? The highs have been really high and Steve is great, none of what I'm feeling is his fault, it's my own fault for internalizing it all so damn much and taking these stupid things personally.
But I don't need this. I don't want this. So what am I doing?
9:44 a.m. - 2013-11-19
So first kind of bad thing that happened. This weekend when Steve and I were drunk right after sex I said the whole "I really like this" thing that he always says, then he replied with "I'm just so glad I found somebody. Have I ever told you how attracted I am to you?"
Second -much more major- bad thing that's happening.. He and Lindsay are going to a Packer game on Sunday. Totally fine. Great! But.. they're going to his house on Friday night, staying there Friday and Saturday, "studying all day Saturday", then going to the game...
Never once did either of them say "Is that weird for you?" or "Is that okay?" Not that they need my okay at all, just it would of been nice if either of them could have emphasized or even realized at all how odd it is that Steve is bringing home a girl to meet his whole family for an entire weekend who is not his girlfriend. Not that I'm dying to meet the family now or anything of the sort but.. God it's weird.
Here's an analysis.
2) They're going to his house. With his parents. And Lindsay is awesome and they're so fuckin flirty that I'm nearly certain they're gonna say something along the lines of "Wow Steve - sure you're not dating Lindsay? -nudge,nudge-" Not something I really wanna have on my mind when/if I ever meet them.
3) Not once did either of them recognize the awkwardness and address it/apologize for it/ask about it/anything about it. Not even joke about it. So that's making it more awkward, at least for me.
4) Now not only do they have the car ride to fall in love but an entire weekend together. Slightly unrealistic since they claim to think of each other as siblings but honestly you never know.
5) I'm already insecure about him even liking me anyways so this of course is not helping. Last night he pulled some blankets over me and I said thanks and he was like "Well you know I do care about ya quite a bit" and then snuggled me and I instantly thought "ha. sure you do." and did my uncomfortable arm-crossed curl up thing I used to do with Mike when he hurt my feelings. God damn it. I'm such a basket case.
I just wanna go back in time and undo this relationship thing. Things were a little sadder... although I'm pretty damn sad right now... but at least they weren't so awkward and thought consuming and interfering with how I felt about my friends.
9:44 p.m. - 2013-11-16
Last night with him was very fun, as was Thursday night date night to old fashioned, piano bar, and Paul's club.
Then today I went to the badger game with Steve and Lindsay. And to the passerby, I would be extremely unsurprised -actually I would expect- that the passerby would have thought Lindsay and Steven were the couple, not he and I. They interact a lot. They pick on each other and then end with a glare or a side poke or a shove or a kick or a head pat, etc. It's enough that even if I wasn't dating Steven it would raise my eyebrows. It's weird.
Also Lindsay is taking him to the Packers game next weekend. Which is fine -- all of this is in a way fine with me because Lindsay is a good friend to me and I don't think she would ever do anything like that-- but kind of weird.
Not quite sure what to do about any of this because I think they'd both be offended if I were to say anything because saying anything would kind of mean I didn't trust them or was uncomfortable or something.
But, this is me, so obviously a part of my mind is running with this idea of them actually being the correct couple and the realizing it on the car ride to the game and them talking about how to end things with me and then them justifying it to me a few weeks later and then me realizing that it was stupid to let Steven in and on a larger scale for me to trust anyone at all.
I'm so fucked up in that way.
Or am I? Technically all the above is plausible.
Sigh. Can I just leave for the peace corps now?
7:46 p.m. - 2013-11-12
But.... I got all excited and on-edge in a good way.
:(. :( :( :(.
Well, he helped throw at least a little water on the feelings with this comment: "Man, I never realize how stress relieving regular sex is until I don't have it. Lol."
To Mike, Sierra = Sex. Sierra = Stupid. Sierra = the girl who was nice to look at and who I banged twice a week for two years while I also got to sleep with other people. Sierra = the girl who when I felt like talking to a girlfriend I could talk to her like she was mine. Sierra = someone not even worthy of protecting the feelings of. Sierra = nothing.
My feelings, they aren't even really romantic feelings as much as they're just indiscriminately emotionally charged feelings, will subside. Every single time I hang out with Steve I feel better about dating him. Every single time. He seems to really like me, and almost certainly thinks more of me than what Mike does - listed in the paragraph above.
And this is good. Right now this is hard and emotionally uncomfortable and scary but it is good. It is great. It is exactly what I should be doing at this exact moment in time. And I will not --will -not-- allow Mike fucking Keim to negatively affect my trajectory with Steven in the least.
9:45 p.m. - 2013-11-10
My outlook on love is/was (working on it) so messed up. I swear to God I had written it off for me. Especially anytime soon, like now.
I had been denied so many times that I decided to get ahead of it and deny first.
And that's starting to fall away now. And it feels so good.
But with you
This song is right on point with what I'm feeling. And I love it.
I've got so many layers of walls up around my feelings but they're starting to fall away. I can feel myself cling to them occasionally out of fear/habit but the more time I spend with Steven the less it happens and the more I'm beginning to trust him. It's frustrating because he has done exactly zero things to make me not trust him, so it's not that I don't it's just that it isn't fully there yet. Maybe that's normal.
My fear is that he just likes me for how I look and how it looks for him to be with me. I'm afraid that when he starts seeing the real me that he will run away.
But.. I just don't think that's gonna happen. I'm not an optimist by nature but something about this relationship is just chanting 'Glass half-full'.
1:07 p.m. - 2013-10-30
Please don't make me regret thinking you're something different, Steven.
10:04 p.m. - 2013-10-28
Started seeing him approximately 2 YEARS and one month ago.
Here's a copy of the text convo for future interest:
"So remember when I mentioned that Steven guy to you and you said that I should just like him back? Well, that's actually kind of happening! That's why I haven't texted to hang out lately. I just want you to know that I meant it when I was said I was happy we'd done everything we've done."
And not more than one minute later, he replied:
"Haha yay!! Happy for you!!"
And all the emotions, everything from the love, like, hate, sad, happy, scared, determined, relieved, terrified emotions before pressing send.. to the shock and happiness and relief and 'aww' of getting the response so soon after.
I went to the bathroom and happy cried for like 5 minutes. I was a mess in a good way.
Wow. Can't believe this! This weird part of me is really nervous that it's going to have been a mistake ending this, in that the Steven thing isn't gonna work out.
Except... I swear to God if I come back and read this in a month and yet AGAIN am wrong...
I think Steven is different.
He's like no other guy I've been interested in in Madison. Or ever. At all.
He's so nice to me. He seems willing to do just about anything for me/ to see me. He compliments me on more than my looks and seems to actually care about me.
It's so scary.
I'll either look back on this and think I was a fucking idiot once again, or I'll look back and think "Wow. I was brave. And it paid off."
I'm hoping...praying...for the latter.
Lord knows it's high time for me to have something work out!
1:32 p.m. - 2013-10-22
Whoa. Things have changed.
So Steven and I have been hanging out a lot. On Friday we watched new girl together. During the first episode we just shared a blanket, during the second our legs were touching, third our arms, and after the fifth we were making out. And he was... A really stellar kisser. Best make out sesh I had had ever. I slept over and when he cuddled me I didn't even hate it -- actually quite to the contrary. It was lovely. I didn't even have to put the brakes on or ask him to slow down. That's the first time at college for sure!
Then Saturday night I was a big ol idiot and slept with mike. That was a mistake. It wasn't even good and I felt guilty since Steven wanted to hang out again. I just thought maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to hang out with him two nights in a row if I wasn't certain that I liked him.
But then I thought waiting til Monday (last night) would be fine I guess. And it was great again! He said the cutest thing... I complimented his kissing by saying "Your kissing is the perfect mix of cute and hot." And he said "Well you keep switching between the two so I'm just trying to keep up." And he said he liked me. Asked me to get dinner with him this week.
And I no longer have any desire to fuck mike or Adam or really any other guys. I've had a great single college run, I think I could be came for a relationship. Steven seems like exactly the kind of guy I should be with right now.
Hopefully this one keeps moving forward! Gotta say, I feel pretty good about it.
12:44 a.m. - 2013-10-10
I had these weird lovey feelings for him tonight. Not likey. Lovey.
Am I fucking insane? Truly. Am I?
Someday... Couple years. I don't think this chapter will be over in January. Nope.
7:24 p.m. - 2013-10-03
Oh. My. God. That boy fucking knows what he's fucking doing leading up to fucking me.
Jesus Mary and Joseph.
I am so, so happy that I did this friend with benefits thing with him.
And I'm not even feeling as though I 'like' him right now! Yay!
Wow. Just. Just. Oh my wow.
2:01 p.m. - 2013-10-03
It's happening again.
The 'oh hey it's senior year and I had never really looked before but damn, that Sierra girl is smokin' hot'.
So. I'll go one-by-one.
Mike. And everything with that. Is studying abroad in China this spring so it doesn't even fucking matter.
Nathan. Grew up on a tree farm in Tomah. Super attractive. Dresses SO well. Tallish. Nice bod. Good family situation. His grandpa is one of my neighbors. We've been studying together, had lunch today. Recent development: is studying abroad in China this Spring. God damn it.
Steven. Pharm-tox crush but not real crush. Unfortunately I couldn't/didn't make the distinction. So he's kinda on the prowl I think. He's so fun and easy to talk to but just not my type physically or romantically. He's just too nice. God DAMN it I hate myself for saying that but it's just the fucking truth. No way around it.
Joey. Yeah high school Joey. Probably just bored/looking for a place to crash in Madison for Halloween, but still. He's been comin' at it HARD. Oi.
Adam. Yeah freshman year Adam. That is going to happen at least a few times before this year is up. Mark my words.
And finally, this one barely counts, but Blaine. This incredibly beautiful boy in my Chemistry class. A senior Chem major. With beautiful eyes and slightly flowy hair. And the best body of any of the guys listed above (Not as sculpted as Adam but a little more my type). And also I don't even think he's interested. So whatever.
And me? Completely apathetic. My sights are set far beyond Madison. I've made it the past 3 years of college (and 21 years of life) without a boyfriend so why in the FUCK would I start one now?
I wouldn't. Will not.
12:31 a.m. - 2013-10-02
5:09 p.m. - 2013-09-26
Theirs' will probably be easier, but mine will probably be more fun.
I really do feel lost though. I just don't know what I want to do, or when I want to do it. Hopefully the Peace Corps works out! At least as an option.
The career fair is going on right now but I'm in bed and not wearing pants... so, well, I'm not there. Whatever.
7:31 p.m. - 2013-09-23
The best part was driving into Rocky Mountain National Park listening to Local Natives, Hummingbird. I couldn't believe I was actually doing it. I felt so independent, confident, excited, and proud of myself. It was a great moment.
7:20 p.m. - 2013-09-23
I like him. Not even going to try to deny it this time...
My timing is just fucking impeccable I tell ya. He's leaving this spring and working somewhere else this summer so even in the very unlikely chance that he feels something too, it doesn't even matter.
This all happened because of a few things that happened this weekend. First I went to his house for a party Friday night, where he was nice to me and his friends seemed to really like me. Then I stayed over and in the middle of the night he kept cuddling me. Which I don't think he does normally. And I'm almost in tears thinking about it for some reason. It was really nice.
Then the next day he came to my pregame and was just really fun and sociable. We played badminton and it was nice to do something like that with him, never really have before.
Then I went to the football game but he didn't. I was bummed because it was International Red Panda Day and at the zoo they were having a free raffle to win a chance to meet the red pandas, but I couldn't go because of the game. Mike texted me around 4 that he was at the zoo but the raffle closed at 3. So apparently he went there to try to put my name in for me. Which is kinda the fast track to my heart, of course.
And so, yeah. I've got it. Got it bad.
2:48 a.m. - 2013-07-26
Okay, what do I do about this?
2:31 a.m. - 2013-07-26
And I may have gotten a 67% on my Achem exam
But Im not depressed.
7:27 p.m. - 2013-07-22
So...Dramatic music...Trumpets n drums n violins and shit...
I'm premed, folks.
The thing I've been fighting for four years.. I'm giving in.
Nope, not giving in. Stepping up. Stepping up to the fear of probable failure, denial. Stepping up to what I truly think my intellectual, personable, driven and incredibly strong self can do.
I know I can do this. It's going to be hard work but I can do this. It's what I need to do. It's why I'm here.
Things I learned today:
Finally, a path. Yesssssss!!! I've always been driven but I've been doing doughnuts for far too long now.
Pedal to the metal. Med school, I'm comin'.
7:58 p.m. - 2013-07-18
Then she texted me about 2 weeks later, 'Sometimes I just wish you were here to talk to. I miss what we used to have and it's hard to go through life without you.'
So I felt like a Grade A bitch, fittingly so. Because I was. What is it off my back really, just to be her friend? Oi.
Anyways we're back to talking. Her poor father has CNS cancer. Prognoses for that aren't generally good... Sure hope he is an exception to the rule.
I've gotten much more confident about my looks in recent months. I think I've also gotten more beautiful. I really love the way I look in the mirror now, my face, hair, and even most parts of my body too. Feels great! No wonder I'm scaring off the boys though.
Bring on the -men-.
7:02 p.m. - 2013-07-11
I've completely forgotten what it feels like to 'like' someone anymore. I've trained myself into seeing guys purely sexually and I don't know whether to be sad/grossed out or to pat myself on the back.
Other girls (just today, my friend Mina) score these normal, smart, cute, nice guys. So they technically exist. Maybe just not for me though? Honestly I have no idea.
I'm thinking of becoming an egg donor. $$$$$. With the blonde hair and green eyes thing my egg advisor woman says they'll go fast. They'll bring the sperms to the yard. Etc. We'll see.
Summer is going very well! Class is enjoyable. Still no job hence the egg donation thing.
Can. Not. Wait. For my trip out west!! I need a break from Madison I think. And on a smaller scale from people, too. Not that anyone is particularly on my nerves, I just need some time to decompress and think about some stuff. My future, my current, myself, ya know, the little things.
And with this I think I'm off to get a doughnut because well thats the kind of day it's been. Shame that I can't even go there without fucking worrying Vday Doughnut Boy will be working. Damn.
2:08 a.m. - 2013-06-23
If there is a title for the woman in the world with the most detrimental taste in guys, I would be the winner. 100% sure of this.
I don't even know what to say. Zach is having a baby, football biology freshman Sam grabbed my hair and every other blonde chick in the bar tonight, Cam is outta town, Mike is too and oh did I mention I like him? Fuck. I know. FUCK. How did that happen? I just. I just don't even.
I just want this year to be smooth and high grades and low drama/sadness boy-wise and the only way I can do that is to keep up this whole "I don't need them" "I don't want them" attitude except that I'm lying about the latter in that I do. I want someone to care about me and to ask how my day was and to hold my umbrella and to look at me like some guys look at girls and to feel about me how some guys supposedly feel about girls. I'm so jaded at this point that I don't even actually believe it when people say stuff but so many people do that I guess it must be true sometimes.
But it's sad/pathetic to be longing for something that simply isn't in the cards so I want to at least strongly come off as though I truly don't want it. Some people buy it but I know when Ellen comes back she's gonna crack me because she knows and cares enough. Jenna too.
But even if they do crack me, all their "You got this Sierra! Everyone is gonna want you!" shit isn't -actually- going to do anything except set me up for disappointment. Pessimistic? Yes. Realistic? Yes. Look at the past 21 years (okay, truthfully like 8 years though since as an infant I wasn't on the hunt yet) and tell me that the next year is going to be any different. The last 3 have all been the same here in Madison.
I'm so tired of it.
1:55 p.m. - 2013-06-14
9:54 p.m. - 2013-06-02
#3. Cameron. Pretty exciting! The actual action wasn't that great though. Timing was off.
What if no one I sleep with is ever as good as Mike? Everyone keeps saying 'oh, it's just the comfort level you have with him' but that's not it. It's more. He is damn good at what he does.
Guess the search shall continue...
2:58 p.m. - 2013-05-15
"Walk around you house like a fucking champion."
And I thought to myself -- yeah! I am a fucking champion, watch out world while I strut my stuff.
What actually happened:
I realized that throughout my whole life any objects on the floor within a 2/3 foot radius of my path have always been a target for my feet. No matter how far in advance I see something, I generally find a way to get tangled up in it. Especially if it is a cord, a lego, or multiple things stacked precariously, generally my feet find a way of running into them. And don't even get me started on bumps in the sidewalk or folded up rugs -- killers.
So now every time I run into one of those things, I find myself sarcastically saying "My God. I am such a champion." And know what? It makes my clumsiness a whole lot more bearable and tolerable.
8:31 p.m. - 2013-05-04
And so what does it make me for continuously sleeping with this person? I'm indirectly supporting it. Saying it's okay without saying anything. I'm no better...
2:12 p.m. - 2013-05-03
1) Quit at the lab THANK YOU BABY JESUS
9:02 p.m. - 2013-04-29
The answer is to not look at it as the next three weeks of my life, but one day - one page - one word at a time.
It will all get done. It will soon be over. I will relax and god-willing get the heck outta dodge for awhile.
I can do this.
10:25 p.m. - 2013-04-24
It's killing me.
I've learned my lesson... unfortunately I've still gotta live it.
I really hope I can do this.
12:21 a.m. - 2013-04-24
I did him again.
Here's why: he got an internship in Ohio for this summer. This summer will cut me off whether I'm ready or not. I've always thought of myself as a fairly strong willed person but this situation has proven that's not always the case. I can't believe how much I sound like one of 'those' girls. Ick. Oh well, I truly do not have feelings towards him and only have 3 weeks left in the semester which is like a max of 5/6 more times seeing him so...
Really enjoyed seeing him tonight and I don't feel too bad about falling off the wagon. I just fear the feeling creepin up this weekend... But I'll be home!! Finally back to my dear Panda. God I miss him, he is getting so old and it scares me. Home really won't be home without him.
12:58 a.m. - 2013-04-20
I scrolled back to the entry of when I first met him. "He is simply awesome!"..."I don't want to be let down this time again! Wish me luck! :-)"
^I never feel like this about guys, or really much else, anymore. I've become so hardened. I don't even think it is fear, it is simply bracing for the impact - for the inevitable.
Because it is inevitable. As much as I try to think it isn't, a fight that I wage with myself less and less, history shows that it is inevitable. No guy situations have worked for me in years. Years. There have been nearly 20 guys and not -one- has worked. In any sense of the word.
I'm so. tired. of. feeling. like. this. I need to realize that while I can't control what guys do to me I can choose how I respond and internalize what happens. I've got the realistic/no expectation thing down, and sort of the disconnected thing pretty well, at least outwardly.
What do I do going forward? Part of me thinks I could still sleep with Mike and keep everything in check and still get my fill of sex. Which is a legitimate need. But whether I like it or not sleeping with him is at least a partial reinforcement of what he is doing to me. Especially because he doesn't know that I know. (disclaimer: I KNOW he technically isn't doing anything wrong, it's my perception of it that deems it wrong but get off my dick it's wrong).
The really unfortunate thing is I don't know of a route I can forge on my own given the current conditions in which I end up happy. No Mike=empowerment of some sort but also no sex. Yes Mike=sex (generally very good sex) but the at least occasional feeling of promoting something that I don't stand for as a person: something that I would never think one friend would do to another. Something selfish and belligerent and unfeeling towards me. Why should I let him do something to me that I would just never do to him?
I think I should just cut both Mike and Zach loose. It's no good having them thrashing around in my lake. Maybe they're disturbing the other fish... Or at least distracting me from them.
7:12 p.m. - 2013-04-10
Eating greenbush doughnuts and pizza and mia za's pasta ans cheez-its and Easter candy and a fucking Butterfinger since it was on sale for 42 cents or some shit then accidentally eating that one and going back for not one but two more.
Eating alllll the feelings.
Luckily I have my first meeting with a psychiatrist tomorrow. Should be interesting. Hope it is helpful.
1:52 p.m. - 2013-04-07
World-- Thank you for your blatant messages to me about this situation in the past month and I am sorry for being a flighty blind frisky little numnut about the whole thing. I have heard you loud and clear all along and wanted to believe it wasn't so but it in fact is so and so is that I am no longer in a friend with benefit's relationship with Mike.
The end (of that story).
Still talking to Zach (Tennessee boy). Pointless. I'm just one of his many text-girls. / sext-girls. Sort of. Nothing nude - ever - but yeah. What the hell? Kinda a nice distraction but I have to keep it in check.
Sheesh what the hell has my life become? What the? I just. I just can't.
Seeing a psychiatrist for the first time next week about the panic attacks. Hoping that will help, been havin' anxiety out the wazoo lately.
What's wrong with me?
10:01 a.m. - 2013-04-02
I define who I am every second of every day of every week. It can change on a dime whenever the fuck I feel like it.
Tennessee boy keeps telling me how I'm "just too good of a person" and how I'm a "good girl" but with a wild side. He knew me for like 9 hours. He saw me make out with and fondle a fucking stripper and even he thinks I'm 'too' good?! What the hell does that even mean? He's saying it in this way that infers I should take it as a compliment or as him being nice but really what he is doing is exerting his control over me and deeming what actions I can or cannot partake in based on his judge of my character and tendencies.
Well, fuck him.
I'm just going to keep banging Mike because I'm sick and tired of men. 20-anything-year-old guys SUCK ASS and I'm through with dealing with any of them. At least having sex with Mike is 100% under my control and he hasn't deemed me as too pure or whatever. Fuck this.
10:47 p.m. - 2013-03-31
10:41 p.m. - 2013-03-31
The trip was awesome and everything went very well. I'll tell you more about it (including the part where I went to a strip club and ended up feeling up and making out with the stripper) when I'm in a better mood...
So the guy who lured me to the stripclub was super cute (his name is Zach). He's from Tennessee and has the most adorable southern accent. We made out at the club, on the way home, and in a bed where we like 69ed forever but he refused to have sex with me because I'm "just too good of a person" and he "couldn't do that to me" and yadda yadda.
Why is there always something fucking wrong with me. I'm honest to god getting called out for being a good girl? I WAS FUCKING NAKED I HAD JUST FUCKING MADE OUT WITH A GODDAMN STRIPPER AND FUCKING MOTORBOATED HER TITS AND I WAS HONEST TO MOTHERFUCKING GOD GETTING CALLED OUT ON BEING TOO GOOD OF A GIRL TO SLEEP WITH?
like, for SERIOUS? for MOTHERFUCKING serious?
(**disclaimer this was actually a really really fun night and I don't mean to portray it negatively, I'm actually still talking to the dude and he seems really nice and like someone I'd spend time with you know if he didn't live in FUCKING Tennessee. when is something just going to work?!?!?!?!)
10:14 p.m. - 2013-03-20
9:50 p.m. - 2013-03-20
I don't want to regret this--And I don't. Not yet, but like I said before if I let myself 'see' him agian I know I will. You think that'd be enough to keep me from wanting to go over there, but it's easier said than done. I desperately wish I had something(one) to keep my mind off of that.
Florida! I'm going to have my first one night stand in Florida. Where no one will end up knowing him/having slept with him/have a mutual best friend who he is sleeping with as a second friend-with-benefits to you.
2:38 p.m. - 2013-03-18
Just found out he was with Maggie again, on my birthday night, after he'd texted me late that afternoon "Kinda disappointed we didn't meet up last night."
Ick. ick ick ick ick ick.
He is a narcissistic low-down greedy yuck of a person. And I think maybe I'm ready now to say sianara.
My birthday weekend was pretty good! Got super sick the midnight of 21st, oh well. That night (before the sick, during the drunk) I ran into Hot Eric! And, due to the drunk, informed him that I called him Hot Eric all last year. He was flattered, and I honestly don't regret telling him. He and I are going to hang out, we are going to have sex, and I'm going to say "Mike? Mike who?" And then I'm going to go to Florida and have my lady self a wonderful time and I'm going to say "Whamawho? Mike?" And all is going to be well and he will continue to be an awful person and karma will continue to look non-fondly upon him and that will be that.
I don't regret sleeping with Mike in the past but I will regret any times in the future. I know that now and I plan to hold myself to this.
I am letting him go. I am letting go the fear of sleeping with other people (and the fear of "not having anyone to sleep with" hah what was I even thinking? Look at me I can sleep with anyone I damn well please). I am not angry, just awakened to the type of person he is and more importantly awakened to my inability to stand for sleeping with someone like that.
I've let go.
3:05 p.m. - 2013-03-12
So, random, but I've started having panic attacks. Sometimes in the middle of a lecture when I'm fairly calm, other times in lab when I'm definitely not calm.
The first one I had was just a few days before my YES+ (yoga, empowerment, service but mostly meditation) weekend long class. They taught us how to meditate in the morning using short Kriya and it really worked! I still got the anxiety thoughts occasionally during class and throughout the day, but they never lead to a full-blown attack of any sort! Which was good.
I still just don't feel quite right though. I'm still having a hell of a time focusing. Occasionally I can feel myself slip back into.. myself? I don't know, but sometimes - like right now - I feel different. Kind of lethargic, tired, empty. It's weird.
Things with Mike are coming to an end. I hate that that, and all guy issues in general, are totally out of my control. Boys are the one and only thing in my life I have no control over and I think that's why I have so much inner turmoil over it. I just have to let it go, let it be.
10:48 p.m. - 2013-02-27
Yes I - no I don't.
What? I do on't.
9:49 p.m. - 2013-02-24
This made my night, and quite possibly my month.
8:58 p.m. - 2013-02-24
Wow. I must really, really suck.
Not a single guy has decided I'm worth keeping around. Even when all the effort has been on my part.
12:11 p.m. - 2013-02-20
This one's over even before the flower's died.
My life rocks.
7:38 p.m. - 2013-02-19
So, I've been trying for months to get a Shout Out posted about this super hot black guy who works at Greenbush Doughnuts. I'd seen him there so many times, and sometimes when I went by myself he'd give me my doughnut for free. None of my shoutouts would ever get posted! Well, until this gem:
#563 SUNDAY, FEB. 3, 2013 @ 12:26AM
Which, several days later, brought this reply:
Which made me kinda nervous because there are a few guys who work there (only the one who was attractive though), so in hopes of preventing disappointment I wrote this:
Because on Fridays he wears his "Bowtie Friday" bowtie. And looks sexy in it. He didn't get a reply in for this one, but I decided to get a doughnut on VDay anyways because, hey, worst case scenario still equaled one of the best doughnuts in the whole world.
So I went in. Chatted with him, brought up his bowtie, tried to be flirtatious (which was rough based on the fact I'd just completed a genetics exam and had an all-nighter studysesh with Biochem on tap). And he gave me my doughnut for free again, and one of the valentines he had made for customers.
Then I left. Without his number or revealing my identity as ShoutOut girl!
...until I called Jenna who persuaded me to go back and ask for his number.
So I did. Unfortunately this time there was an audience and I was a bit of an awkward mess, but whatever I did it. I got his number, and he gave me a pink rose. So cute!
So a few days later I texted him. He didn't respond...all...day. And -boom- I was taken right back to this time last year where Ethan did the cute red panda valentine chocolate thing and then promptly decided he didn't like me.
I've spent a year thinking I was invincible, unbreakable due to my withholding of emotions, strong and uncaring. Wrongo.
I was devastated all day, felt worthless and dejected again, and was actually in small numbers of tears over it.
Then he replied. And we went on a date which was nice and conversationally easy and approachable. And I was really excited... at first.
But I can't quite shake what an effect just the thought of Mitchell (aka Greenbush Doughnut Man of my dreams) had on me without me having invested any true emotion in him at all. I'm not ready to be vulnerable just for what my heart and head both agree to be a dead end, certain doom sproutling of a relationship.
Especially when I have all the sex I need, any time I need it. All the -good-, damn good, sex I need. With a guy who is yes, less than perfect, but who seems to respect my desires and understand my quirks. Why should I end that just for a possibility? A probable failure?
I just don't feel like doing this whole relationship chasing thing again. It has never been worth it before and I can't decide if it's hurtful memories or current intuition that's telling me it isn't going to be worth it this time either.
4:01 p.m. - 2013-02-04
11:21 p.m. - 2013-01-31
So. Mike. Yes I'm still sleeping with him. No I don't have feelings for him. At least I think I don't.
Uh oh. Bad bad bad bad BAD. This is bad.
Last week we were supposed to hang out, on Tuesday maybe, and he canceled. For the next two nights I had somewhat restless sleep because both nights I dreamnt of scenarios of him ending our friend with benefits stuff. I woke up in the morning not angry or sad, but scared. I feel that fear is even more powerful than sadness, so this concerns me.
It's so strange, I think to myself all the time "Yep... This is definitely on its last stretch here, I can feel something coming." but I also think "I could get used to this."
Sometimes I truly enjoy his company. Truth be told he is really funny, goofy, interesting, and ins